Sex & Everyday Life

During a past summer vacation that my family and I took to Greece, we traveled for and found inspiration in ancient Greek democracy, theatre and architecture. We returned home with a better appreciation of our society’s debt to ancient Greece. This we expected.

What surprised us (okay me) were so many attractive European women dressed in very tight white pants revealing all that thong underwear shows. We also did not anticipate the preponderance of topless beaches on the Greek Isles. My wife, being the astute surveyor of the sociological scene that she is, also commented on the handsomeness of the men (I thought they just had nice sunglasses).

My two boys were aged 12 and 10; my daughter aged 7. My own mom and dad never really spoke to me about sex except, at the appropriate age, to make sure I knew how to prevent pregnancy. I was even embarrassed to be looking at sexily dressed women on network TV when my father was in the room. I’m trying not to have such a communication taboo with my own children. So while at a topless beach on the isle of Mykonos I said to my wife, purposely within earshot of my eldest son, “as much I enjoy seeing topless women a big part of the fascination of sex is the anticipation, and a sexy top is sometimes, somehow sexier, than a topless woman”. After waiting a second, probably to measure whether to say anything, – my 12 year old son said “yeah dad, I know what you mean”.

Seeing southern European styles of dress and being on the beach with many women not wearing much clothing raised an age-old question in my mind: How sexy should a woman dress? (or men for that matter, but let’s be honest, women are in the position to drive the sex thing because men are, to be “kind”, such an enthusiastic audience). The question: Is an overt expression of sexuality a positive or negative thing?

Without question, we make sexual objects of each other, especially men of women. Increasingly young women seem to want to be “hunters” almost as much as the guys. It’s easy to conclude that men and women shouldn’t view each other solely as sexual objects but how about partially? An attractive member of the opposite sex is an object of desire. Is it okay if this does not minimize, however, all the other things that person is in addition to being a sexual object?

Or is any objectification of each other something that our society must discourage? The sexual object stuff is one way we get through the day, something that inspires us beyond the humdrum of everyday existence. Yet many of us do feel guilty when we “think of” others as sexual objects. Our culture, particularly New England’s Puritanical version, properly instructs us that life is supposed to be more than just the physical and the material and that the physical is superficial, existing only on the surface. A person’s mind and personality, intellectual curiosity, capacity for compassion, sense of humor and spirit are more intriguing personal accomplishments and longer lasting than whether s/he is “hot.” When we are attracted to a person’s physical attributes prominently displayed, we are both somewhat sexually stimulated and somewhat guilt-ridden. We know we’re taught that the feeling of guilt is supposed to win out, but we sure are enjoying the fantasy.

As for men, we fight daily against our instinct to be sexually inspired and/or conquer – to hunt. This is why modern day life is difficult for men. We understand that our instincts, which may have served us very well as hunters long ago, are now basically destructive, especially once we are involved in a committed relationship—and especially during marriage. The tension this creates to contain oneself against one’s “natural” way, so as not to cause hurt, causes constant frustration and unease. Worse, our instinct for sexual conquest is not learned; it is genetic. I can only tell you that from my background growing up in a Jewish household with a very strong woman/mother figure, I was implicitly and explicitly taught that women and their strength and dignity are to be respected. For a man to “run around” is to be disrespectful of oneself, one’s partner and the family relationship itself. But the instinct to want to seek interpersonal and sexual adventure and feel the power of getting to yes, is something I seem to share with most men, no matter what our nationality, ethnic or socio-economic background. Many women often come to fear this sexual instinct in men. They’ve learned that it can lead to their dismay. Besides current teenagers and some women in their twenties, it seems most women are more into a “loving desire” then a sexual desire. From a young age this is reinforced and girls learn how to direct men to contain their sexual desires around them. Men have a loving instinct too, one that is generally just not as strong as many women’s.

So does dressing in a sexy style get us to a middle ground where sexuality elates us, no one gets hurt by it, we instead flirt and have fun with it, or, does publicly expressed and sought sexiness debase “higher” values like intellect, pure heartedness and love, thereby degrading men and women?

On a larger cultural level: Are MTV-style reality shows, rap music videos and Victoria’s Secret fashion shows an exuberant expression of our sexual side or are they superficial and degrading? Does near naked sexual suggestiveness tease to the point of exploitation or is it harmless fun? Is pornography a “safe” sexual release for men or is it a big problem that we have a multibillion-dollar pornography industry where mostly men are engaged in the solitary addiction to pornography, an act that usually shuts out their wives and girlfriends.

In our consumer culture, sex is the best selling method available. Sex is used as a way to entice and manipulate others, instead of to love them. And all of this is done for money and profit. Loving sex and intimacy are seldom shown in movies or TV. And real sex is something we’re often too tired to have because we’re working so hard and so stressed out that intimacy seems as far away as our next vacation without the kids or for singles as difficult to find as the right mate. Sexual fantasy has pushed out sexual reality, probably because sexual fantasy is a great escape. It’s easier and takes less time, energy and commitment than sexuality. So we use sexual fantasy, at least men do, to get us through the boredom and pressure of everyday life.

As a culture we should ask what is an appropriate expression of sexuality. This obviously differs by age and stage of life and by time and place. Our society with its “sales by sex” orientation, machismo and adventurism on the one hand, and the Puritan Ethic and family first orientation on the other, challenges us to find the proper attitude towards sexuality, something we still seem very confused by.